I sent her one of those "I'm coming over" texts. As always she replied "Ok". I knew what I was getting into and what I was gambling with. I've been purposely trying this celibacy thing for some time now. I feel like sex and women complicate things so I made it a point to back away from temptations. I won't lie I've been doing good but I keep putting myself in situations like these. Ones where I'm feeding into a craving. And even though I'm not satisfying it I'm giving it gum which only makes it more intense the next time. Silly me, I didn't think what it was doing to her. We chewed on the same stick, and got bored with the flavor just as fast. She was getting more direct and my hands getting more and more assertive. Correct me if I'm wrong, which I'm probably not, but the last time I left her house her exact words were "you better bring boxing gloves next time cause you play too much". And that I did. I got her comfortable towards me. I allowed her to talk about sex. I allowed her to talk about past relationships. I encouraged her to open up and when I did the same attraction was there. She has a mouth on her and she loves the way I shut her up. The world may see her as intimidating or overly opinionated but that's all a show. More of a different way of communicating than an actual attitude. More of, that's how her mother spoke, and less of she's actual upset. So when she tries getting loud I smack her butt in public - flirt #1. I tell her how much I like her lips-flirt #2. Or I grab her chest till she backs away from shock - flirt #3.

She always says "You're too much". I am. It's how you keep a woman, her attention, attraction, etc, Overwhelm her senses. One night her "You're too much" turned into "you look like you can handle me". I played my part in it though. I can own up to the situations I put myself in. Sleeping in a woman's bed with her and touching her inner thigh will do that to her: separate the playful from the sexual. It's hard to "play" with what you want. Then she did something to tip the scales, throwing our balance of play off center. I knew she'd pull a stunt the next time I came over, but even I wasn't expecting a sun dress with no panties underneath.

Her mouth said Hey Bae! but her body was saying "Finally he's here". And in my mind I thought, "Damn nigga good luck getting out of this one". Men give and women receive. If you take that principal a bit further a woman whose interested makes herself available to receive...from what she wants you to give. Her lack of undergarment was the equivalence of her saying "Come and get it", while preserving her pride. No man or woman ever want to throw themselves out there too much. As she through the message I fought to not translate it. We laid there watching our usual horror movie. I can't lie I'm a sucker for a good movie and good company. She cooked for me, cleaned her room because I was there, and even bought the groceries, so yea I would define her as good company. I kept my hand on her ass the entire time, Above the dress. She would put her hand on whatever cheek was unoccupied. A move that conflicts with my ego. I would move it, telling her "I didn't say you could grab it". She'd laugh and say "get out of here!". So I'd smack it and tell her to "stop". Over the duration of the movie she'd move her hand back and forth almost provoking me to slap it again. Women love a sensitive guy and all that but sometimes a man's sheer aggression and dominance can turn them on. In a deeper sense they connect these traits to a sense of security and protection. Besides if you can't control/tame her, how can you protect her? At least that's how she see's it.

I felt her sundress press into my palm. Or maybe that was me instinctively squeezing. I could envision myself inside her. I won't lie in that moment I panicked a little. Remember I wasn't trying to have sex. Once something gets in your head, that's when it really becomes a problem. Using herself as bait was instinctively ingenius. When we finally slept, my biggest fear was that my own instincts would take over. I think a lot. I like to have myself in control unless I don't want to be. It's hard to control yourself when in an unconscious state. All I remember was kissing on her neck a little. I remember feeling my hand going up under her dress. It's crazy how I saw the fuckin trap and it was still working. I remember feeling my blood rushing and my pulse picking up, Then......, Well. What do you think I did?